I’ve been wrestling lately with self-doubt and comparison.
It’s easy to get sucked into both as a creative business owner in a crowded photography marketplace. It’s also easy to get caught up in questions about the future as newlyweds living in North America’s most expensive city. I know the pressure sitting on my shoulders isn’t biblical. Not that it is sinful to feel it, by any means, but I know it’s not God’s best for me. I’m a Christian and I believe that Jesus came and saved me from my sin, self-doubt and comparison. He took my place and gave me life, peace, hope and joy. It doesn’t mean I always live in that joy… but it means I always have the opportunity to access it. It’s my choice.
But regardless, I haven’t been able to shake it. It feels like this city moves at a non-stop pace. Everybody making their 5-10 year plans, trying to save money to one day pay a fortune to own a tiny piece of land (if any land at all.) It may be just “adulthood,” the slow transition from our young adult years to just adults – but the pressures of the city and my industry surrounding me sometimes.
It causes me to doubt I’m a good photographer. I know that sounds ridiculous… because logically I know I am. But comparison creeps in on the bad days and I question, like every other artist out there! It causes me to doubt every being able to buy a house but I know that if that’s what God has for us, and he has the best for us, it’ll happen. One year, five years or ten years from now. It’ll happen.
It’s really clear to me how deeply I need the Lord, every day of my life. I can’t do any of these things on my own and even with a husband, we as a team can’t do any of these things “on our own.” We need God. I’m trying to spend more time filling my mind and my heart with truth, His scripture.
I was reading in 1 Corinthians 2 and 3 this morning and a few verses really impacted my heart. I read through the chapters once in my head and the second time, right out loud, so I could hear the truth. Paul is writing to the church in Corinth about the wisdom of God.
“For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus… I was with you in weakness and in fear and my speech were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit, so your faith might not rest on the wisdom of men but in the power of God…“
“Neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. For we are God’s fellow workers. You are God’s field, God’s building… Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you thinks that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool so that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is folly with God.”
“So let no one boast in men. For all things are yours, and you are Christ’s and Christ’s is God’s.”
This verses reminded me powerfully today, I have no wisdom without God. We could work ourselves to exhaustion. We could save every penny. I could work tirelessly to become the best wedding photographer in all the land but ultimately, our BEST would be worse than God’s WORST. He’s promised really good things. As I read these verses aloud over my own life, our own family (… including my dog that laid in my lap) a peace filled my heart.
I want to walk in joy and hopefulness.
Not in doubt and comparison.