I was on my way back from an engagement session in the city when my mom texted me to say, “Hey, let’s meet for coffee today!” She mentioned a new coffeeshop she had seen driving by a few weeks ago: we should go and check it out. I get there a few minutes before my mom and I sit down at a corner table. I’m checking my email and browsing twitter and playing words with friends (hello, multi-tasking) so it takes me a few minutes to notice the incredibly annoying classical piano music playing loudly through the speakers. This isn’t pretty classical music, folks. I’m not a hater. This is like, $2.99 bargain-bin-near-the-checkout kind of classical music. Awful.

My mom arrives and the two of us go to the counter to order. She wanted tea and I was ready for lunch. There’s this nice smiling man behind the counter. He’s older… probably mid-sixties, pleasant-looking. “Wow. I like what you’ve done with your hair! You are SUCH an artist!” His eyes are so happy they are practically twinkling. I’m thinking, “Um. Liar. I haven’t showered in 36 hours and all I did was stick a flower in it.” But I smile and laugh, make eye contact, and say thanks!

He keeps staring at me. With his twinkling eyes and his big ol’ mouth full of teeth. I ask for a chicken salad with craisins and seeds: “Do you have those here? I know at some of your other locations you do.” He smiles. “We can.” “What do you mean you can?” I laugh awkwardly. “I don’t want any vegetables on my salad… just the craisins/seeds/chicken. Do you have any around?” He smiles, “You can have them. We will go next door to the store and buy some for you. And make the salad for you.” He turns around to let the other employee know his grocery-shopping duties. My mom and I exchange a that-was-weird glance. When he returns to the register, I motion to a huge bowl of fruit sitting on the counter next to muffins and banana bread and the like. “Are these bananas for sale?” Get this. He creepily smiles again (TOO MUCH EYE CONTACT!) and says, “You can have one.” What the heck? I can have one? So they are usually just sitting there for FUN? Um. Okay. Thanks buddy.

The whole ringing-our-order in the register is slow and awkward (like everything he does!) and he asks me what we just ordered even though it’s sitting right there. “Okay. A tea. What kind of tea? Okay. Now a green salad?” “Yep.” “Oh no, it had chicken right?” “Yep.” “Okay. Chicken salad.” Quick break to look up and me and smile with those eyes.

It’s ten minutes later that we see the other employee literally sprinting across the parking lot with a grocery bag. It’s too much. My mom and I are dying inside. My salad finally comes to my table, but unfortunately it also comes with the creepy barista. He spends about thirty seconds arranging every piece of cutlery on the plate (he brought me a fork, a knife and THREE spoons to eat my salad–WHAT?!) before he leaves. Twice he called out from behind the counter, “How is your salad?” I don’t hear him, or perhaps my subconsious was blocking him out, and he yells again, and looks at me with that smile/eyes, “HOW IS YOUR SALAD?” “Good thanks.” I don’t laugh or smile or show any appreciation this time. I stare at my iPhone as I say thanks. Don’t want to lead the man on after all, hahaha.

My mom and I spend most of our half-hour coffee laughing at everything awkward and wrong with this place. There is a huge vase of red roses in the middle of a random coffeetable. It’s a pretty ugly vase too. There is one Happy Birthday balloon floating in the corner. When the phone rings, we realize it’s routed through the MAIN SPEAKERS of the coffeeshop so that’s a beautiful sound mixed with the crappy piano music. There are also a bunch of lovely plastic trinkets overtop of a fake fireplace. Oh the class! Too much to handle.

I quickly finished my meal, and my mom her tea. We got up to leave, and even though I desperately had to use the bathroom, guess who I would have had to pass on the way there? Safe to say, I held it until I got home. My mom laughed, “He probably would have asked you on the way out if the toilet was satisfactory?! Because if it wasn’t, there’s a Home Depot across the way he could run to and buy you another one.”

All my life, I’ve noticed a pattern. I attract weird people. And, only because it adds colour to my life and gives me something to blog about on a Monday afternoon, I welcome it. Bring on the weirdness.

Here’s a cute little sneak peek of the engagement session I shot this morning in Vancouver. Super fun couple.

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