when i am emotionally/mentally “done” my first reaction is to get alone. as an introvert, it’s how i recharge and therefore can be a very positive thing. on the flip side, sometimes i have trouble recognizing where healthy alone time stops and hermit/selfishness begins. i have been working on stretching my energy in social situations, allowing my hidden extravert to grow, if you will. after losing taylor, i had the perfect introverted friday. it involved the longest driving route to our post office in blaine, wa [took a way that required two hours of driving and not forty minutes, haha!] — blasting israel houghton, christy nockels, anna nalick, phil wickham, fred hammond, lakewood live as i drove.

it was sunny, i drove on back farm roads for miles, seeing only a few cars. i stopped halfway for woods coffee in lynden. i drove around the perfectly manicured neighbourhoods and dreamed of my own place someday. i went into a christian book store and laughed at the horrors inside. christian chocolates, bookmarks, magnets, posters, “witnessing” buttons. ohhh it’s fun to laugh at your own people. bad news. it was a perfect solo adventure — and by the time friday evening came around, i was ready to spend it with people i love.

another “solo” outlet i have loved for years is running. i’ve been a consistent jogger [20 to 30 minute runs] for 7-8 years now. a few years ago, i ran a 15km [9 mile] race and that was fun. a huge dream of mine has been to complete a half-marathon. i get giddy thinking about what crossing that finish line would feel like. i’ve been hesitant to write about it much on here because a few years ago, i signed up for a half-marathon and had to withdraw a few weeks before — knee, hip, foot problems. felt like a failure. quitting sucks. regardless, over two years later, i’m ready to try again. i’ve signed up for the scotiabank half marathon on june 24. despite the fact that it starts at 7:30am [what the FLIP!!] i am pumped.

my training is definitely entering the “challenging” zone. yesterday, i completed 7 miles [~11km] and each week, the long run increases by a mile [1.6km] until i reach 10 miles before my 13 mile race. monday to friday, i am completing 3 shorter runs and cross-training 2x. it’s a lot of exercise. i am loving it — it’s an incredible feeling to finish and say, hey, i ran 75 minutes. straight. i am not the first person to write about running as a metaphor but regardless, i am going to go there.

as a task oriented woman [with a hefty list of goals and high personal expectations] a sea called “overwhelmed” often threatens to swallow me whole. the list of things on my mind: improving my prayer life, watching what i eat/losing a few more pounds, working out daily, growing my business, keeping the house clean and organized, becoming a better writer, a better cook, a better friend, a “better Christian,” the list goes on and on. it’s a continual cycle of growth, maintenance, balance, growth, etc. when i do feel at rest, here’s what my brain does: cool, that’s great, jamie. you are eating well, you are getting in better shape, you’ve been trying to make time to pray, you’ve been trying to organize your life, grow your friendships, invest into your hub group, awesome. what about when you’re married someday? how is that gonna work? another person to take care of. what about when you have the three or four kids you’d like to have? good luck finding time to pray, run, eat, organize, etc.

then one of my favourite lines from the hymn great is thy faithfulness comes to mind: strength for today, bright hope for tomorrow. i have strength for today — that’s all i’m promised. God has given adequate grace for me to be a single woman. why would i have His grace to be a wife and a mother before that season? i laugh at the silliness of it all when i place these worries in the context of a long run. the strength to run mile 13 cannot be thought about in mile 4. all i need to do in mile 4 is put one foot in front of the other [strength for today] and trust that the same strength [for today] will meet me 9 miles down the road.

at the end of a long work day, my mind flashes to, how do women keep an entire house clean, feed four kids and be a loving, devoted wife to their husband? i am exhausted and all i did today was take care of myself, my list, my business, my body. great [unhelpful] thought, jamie. does it help you to return home from a 7 mile run and think, how am i going to run 13 miles? i am exhausted now!!!! — no, that doesn’t help. instead, you praise the Lord for a great 7 miles, you rest, you move on. one day, you’ll run those 13 miles at the appointed time.

i run for a lot of reasons, but the discipline of handling something step by step might be the biggest one.  all i have is this step. i have been promised His strength for this step & it is enough.

it hasn’t been an easy week for me. after nine years, we had to make the decision to put my dog taylor to sleep. she had two torn both her ACLs, one in february and the second last friday. the first one we operated on and she was in a cast and on a strict recovery regime. basically complete rest except going outside to pee. regardless, friday afternoon she yelped and her second back leg [the one she was stabilizing herself on] snapped. now she had one leg in recovery [which is supposed to have no weight on it!] and one broken leg. she hobbled around for a few days, but by the end of the third day was having trouble squatting and we knew we had to make a decision. wednesday morning, we took her to the vet and i said goodbye.

grief is a weird emotion. when i came home thursday afternoon, taylor wasn’t there, i sat down and cried for ten minutes. then i went back to work. returning home to an empty house that night, i cried again. writing this post is making me tear up. last night i was doubled over in laughter for hours and then the next minute, when i’m alone again, it can hit. emotions are interesting things to analyze. i am surprised by mine sometimes. i don’t often have patience for emotions — i live the majority of my life by logic, so the few seasons where emotions take over are new to me.

i almost caught myself calling her name when i came home, taylor, come outside to pee! i look over to where her water bowl used to be before i walk out the door. when i am home alone now, i am actually home alone. home alone with a dog is different than home alone alone. i played the piano for the first time in months to fill up the silence. the UPS man came to the door and all i heard was the doorbell. no explosion of barking. unbelievably weird.

the coolest thing to me about this week is that God has drawn so near. in sadness, in tears… i can’t explain it any other way but that my soul is joyful. He has given me joy — rough times bring that joy to the forefront. psalm 34:18 says: He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. i can testify that He has been close to my broken heart. these few words fall short. i am overwhelmed by the Lord & i love seeing Him use every day of my life to highlight this truth: all that i need is found in Jesus.

on my twenty-first birthday

the first summer i had taylor, she was three months old, i was thirteen.

this past christmas morning

she always loved the snow. a lot.

every morning, after she went pee, she’d sit on the deck and look out at the world. her own quiet time. i loved watching it.

christmas morning, once again.

random iPhone photos over the years, finally her broken leg this past february.

another christmas morning. both my grandma and taylor have passed on now.

right before i drove her by myself to the vet on wednesday.

a blog reader once described me as having a zest for self improvement. i’ve never forgotten that — and it makes me giggle. it’s very true. i was home alone for two weeks [longest time i have stayed alone at home] & oh-boy, i loved the challenge of keeping this home. i calculated that it takes a minimum of four full hours of cleaning a week—this doesn’t include “tidying”—to keep a house up to snuff. that is quite overwhelming. of course, the time required would increase with more square footage and likewise, decrease with less. i caught a little glimpse into my future life [wife and mother?] and to my suprise & joy, i found “home life” more fulfilling that ever before. there’s something about having your own place. there’s a pride in it! a good pride. i got excited about the incredible value a home has & the value mothers and wives have. a clean, organized, functional home carves the path for productive lives of our own as women, as well as our families. it’s a neat truth. i like it. spring cleaning is a fun season.

keeping with this theme of home, my bedroom closet organization is ready for its reveal. i blogged about my bedroom a few weeks ago, but i kept the closet half hidden — there was some leftover painting to be done. good thing i waited. not only is the trim now painted — but my clothes are recently colour coordinated. ;) okay, are you ready for this? BEFORE. brown, ugly, gross. we took off the closet doors after we moved in [but before we took this picture] & cut a whole in the dry-wall to expand the width. pretty nasty.

AFTER. ahhh, white makes my heart so happy.

left side of closet: organized & pretty. in the hanging bins [from ikea] i have folder skirts, casual t-shirts & “fancier” t-shirts. beside that, in the hanging space, i have all shirts/blouses colour coordinated. the hangers were purchased from ebay. the bins on the top shelf are from target — and the farthest left holds “seasonal” clothes. [bathing suits, cover-ups, sundresses, shorts] the bin to the right holds scarves + clutches.

this side of my closet has extra hangers in the middle [for new clothes, duh] jackets on the left, a row of cardigans, and my favourite: dresses. almost forty of them. the two bins on the top shelf [target, once again] hold sweatshirts and my years of journals.

shoe racks below are both from IKEA. definitely worth the $40 each.

hope you enjoyed the little tour! i wish i had more to show you. i did overhaul my bathroom today — complete reorganization but somehow it doesn’t quite feel photo-worthy. hairspray, toothpaste & q-tips aren’t that pretty. happy tuesday!!