spring is here in vancouver and that means longer days, slighter warmer temperatures and the occasional appearance of a fiery ball in the sky. life feels fresh. the season of life i am in right now feels fresh. i am excited about the upcoming wedding season. excited to look back in november on my hard drive under a folder called “weddings” and see twenty-five folders with the names of couples on them. all those wedding days, captured, edited, delivered. i thrive off that feeling, that feeling of productivity, of looking at a finished job well done, of persevering through a crazy work season. this business fits me.

i want to define what being disciplined in every area of my life looks like. a few weeks ago i wrote about discipline in my prayer life… and i know these are thought processes i return to every year. discipline isn’t something i can learn once, put it in my pocket and enjoy the rewards of all the days of my life. discipline is a continual process. the opportunity to be disciplined is granted to me every morning. i have choices. i can make the wrong ones. some days i pray an hour a day, some days i give God five minutes. some meals i stop eating after a moderate portion, some meals i eat too much. in some moments of stress, i give headspace to thoughts i shouldn’t, or worse — i vocalize those thoughts.

at revolution, we’ve been working through a series on dating & relationships. one week’s sermon was titled how to be a woman worth dying for and pastor justin preached through proverbs 31. a woman worth dying for is trustworthy [11], free from commitment issues [12], works diligently [13-14], a hard worker and early riser [15], has learned to think logically [16], works vigorously and maintains a standard of health [17], knows her own value [18], generous and seeks to do good [20], dresses well [22], but her focus is being clothed with strength and dignity [25], has no fear of the future [25], speaks with wisdom and kindness [26], does not tolerate idleness in her life [27] and… is honoured by her husband and children.

one of my favourite “Christian-ese” words is sanctification. it’s the process of becoming like Christ as we read the Bible, pray, grow in understanding of God’s love. saved by God’s grace, in my imperfection, but yet called on to be more like Him every morning. this process is slow. it is humbling. proverbs 31 is an impressive list — but rather than be overwhelmed, i choose to be encouraged — these attributes are exciting things to seek after.

ps. i’ve been working on discipline in the area of health & exercise lately. [insert laughter from my friends here... jamie, the girl who always watches what she eats and exercises six times a week.] i want health to become a default setting — to truly honour the body i’ve been given. been running a lot more… and feeling amazing. little pictures like the ones below get me fired up. hah! ;)

God has given me a heart of generosity; i see every dollar as a gift from God. when i give, i believe it will be returned. when challenged to apply the same sowing/reaping principle to my time, a big fat lack of faith is revealed. i fall short. i am an “achiever” — someone who wakes up with an internal fire burning inside. it’s the reason i can’t sleep in, the reason i refuse to wait in long lines [i straight-up leave!!] & the reason i like to always be accomplishing something.

time is my currency and i want to spend it as i see fit. that’s ugly. that’s prideful. weakness frustrates me until i remember God’s promise to show Himself strong in the midst of my junk. morning devotional times have been a slow-go. it’s hard to sit still and pray. my mind wanders to getting something done… even if i have nothing particularly pressing to accomplish. i want to be in control — especially the first fruits of my time. i believe lies like i’ll be able to concentrate better if i read & pray after my work day, after my workout.

nice thought — often i can concentrate better after work — but i hate this mindset. that’s not how i treat my finances. i don’t buy what i want, pay all my bills, go out for dinner & then give to the church. no! i give of my first fruits & i give in faith. consequently, God has blessed me with more than enough. important note: the power money has over my life is severed when i give. “more than enough!” becomes the overflow of my heart. the dollar amount could be much less than someone who cries “i never have enough!” – bank account balances aside, the former is living in freedom, the latter is living in panic.

in arizona, i had the pleasure of re-reading three of C.S. Lewis’ books — Mere Christianity, Screwtape Letters and the Great Divorce. i stumbled upon this passage in The Screwtape Letters that has been resonating in my heart ever since. to provide some context, the book is a series of letters from Screwtape [a senior demon] to his nephew, Wormwood [somewhat of a demon-in-training.] Wormwood has a patient on Earth, an unnamed man, and it is Wormwood’s goal to ensure his patient’s heart does not enter into, or grow in, a relationship with God.

Screwtape writes: You must therefore zealously guard in his mind [the human's] the curious assumption ‘My time is my own’. Let him have the feeling that he starts each day as the lawful possessor of twenty-four hours. Let him feel as a grievous tax that portion of this property which he has to make over to him employers, and as a generous donation that further portion which he allows to religious duties. But what he must never be permitted to doubt is that the total from which these deductions have been made was, in some mysterious sense, his own personal birthright.

it’s my prayer that i come to a greater understanding that my time is not “my personal birthright.” i am not “the lawful possessor of twenty-four hours.” i am not giving a “generous donation” when i pray or serve. He demands all of me because i am all His. through the grace of Jesus, God takes my formerly selfish & panicked life and gives an abundantly free one. [john 10:10] 

although i often take it easy in february/march claiming “hey, this is my [so-called] summer break,” taking it easy in my life doesn’t usually classify dragging myself out of bed, walking around in a light-headed, exhausted heap and watching four gilmore girls episodes a day on the couch. i don’t get sick often — one cold every 1-2 years — accompanied by obvious symptoms that clue me in, oh! i’m sick. i blamed my lack of energy on the weather, on one morning cup of coffee instead of two, on laziness or a bad mood [see this post.] yesterday, i woke up with arms that weighed one hundred pounds. [rough estimate] i racked my brain for explanations. it felt like muscle soreness after an intense arm workout… but i haven’t lifted anything heavier than a coffee cup in weeks. so strange. putting on my sweater was [and still is today] quite uncomfortable.

my mom goes to a water aerobics class at the pool. after her workout, she relaxes in the hot tub with the usual ‘hot tub crowd.’ one of the old guys was chilling. mom asked, how are you doing? he said, better! thanks for asking! – mom interjected here to me: i didn’t know he wasn’t doing well. glad i asked. — he continued, finally got over that dang flu. came slowly, left slowly, the mildest fever but achy all over, sluggish and zero energy. it was sneaky. unlike a typical flu. — mom texted me the news, true peterson style. blunt, nothing but the facts: you have the flu. hot tub guy says its going around. you’ll be fine.

i have been dreaming fun things. this possibly relates to the above news because flus can do silly things to your brain. i’ve taken note of four dreams and forgotten two of them already. 2/4 isn’t bad. first dream, last week. i dreamed it was august 8th, the night before kristen and caleb’s wedding in maryland. i am a bridesmaid. the evening of august 8th i was still in langley. i had forgotten about her wedding. i called kristen and her family on a Skype conference call–we made red-eye flight arrangements for me to get to maryland. it’s okay, it’s okay. we can do this. i’ll arrive at 6am with this option, sleep for an hour, get up, get ready, do the bridesmaid thing and sleep post-reception. best part about my flight schedule? [because i made it in time, duh] flying vancouver to regina [saskatchewan] to blooming dale [ontario] to baltimore [maryland.] when i awoke, i googled bloomingdale to see if it was a real place. it was. this amazed me. how did my sub-conscious know this? kristen. i will not forget your wedding. i will be there two days early to help.

second dream, two nights ago. i was flying back into montreal [don't know why] with my parents. i got the same heart-racing feeling as our flight landed in the late-afternoon, like on november 2 when i started my quebec trip. i walked through downtown montreal with mom & dad pointing out this is the bench i sat on one afternoon! this is the coffeeshop i read in for four hours! this is the street i photographed–empty–in the pouring rain. i remember being so overwhelmed and having my eyes fill with happy tears as i walked around. mmmm loner memories in quebec. i look forward to taking someone i love back there someday. i will smile and cry happily as we walk through the streets.

i want to try to get back to montreal this year. it’s only been six months, but i miss it.
[email me if you want me to shoot you there. i'll fly no-charge. true story.]

#randomtuesday