God has given me a heart of generosity; i see every dollar as a gift from God. when i give, i believe it will be returned. when challenged to apply the same sowing/reaping principle to my time, a big fat lack of faith is revealed. i fall short. i am an “achiever” — someone who wakes up with an internal fire burning inside. it’s the reason i can’t sleep in, the reason i refuse to wait in long lines [i straight-up leave!!] & the reason i like to always be accomplishing something.

time is my currency and i want to spend it as i see fit. that’s ugly. that’s prideful. weakness frustrates me until i remember God’s promise to show Himself strong in the midst of my junk. morning devotional times have been a slow-go. it’s hard to sit still and pray. my mind wanders to getting something done… even if i have nothing particularly pressing to accomplish. i want to be in control — especially the first fruits of my time. i believe lies like i’ll be able to concentrate better if i read & pray after my work day, after my workout.

nice thought — often i can concentrate better after work — but i hate this mindset. that’s not how i treat my finances. i don’t buy what i want, pay all my bills, go out for dinner & then give to the church. no! i give of my first fruits & i give in faith. consequently, God has blessed me with more than enough. important note: the power money has over my life is severed when i give. “more than enough!” becomes the overflow of my heart. the dollar amount could be much less than someone who cries “i never have enough!” – bank account balances aside, the former is living in freedom, the latter is living in panic.

in arizona, i had the pleasure of re-reading three of C.S. Lewis’ books — Mere Christianity, Screwtape Letters and the Great Divorce. i stumbled upon this passage in The Screwtape Letters that has been resonating in my heart ever since. to provide some context, the book is a series of letters from Screwtape [a senior demon] to his nephew, Wormwood [somewhat of a demon-in-training.] Wormwood has a patient on Earth, an unnamed man, and it is Wormwood’s goal to ensure his patient’s heart does not enter into, or grow in, a relationship with God.

Screwtape writes: You must therefore zealously guard in his mind [the human's] the curious assumption ‘My time is my own’. Let him have the feeling that he starts each day as the lawful possessor of twenty-four hours. Let him feel as a grievous tax that portion of this property which he has to make over to him employers, and as a generous donation that further portion which he allows to religious duties. But what he must never be permitted to doubt is that the total from which these deductions have been made was, in some mysterious sense, his own personal birthright.

it’s my prayer that i come to a greater understanding that my time is not “my personal birthright.” i am not “the lawful possessor of twenty-four hours.” i am not giving a “generous donation” when i pray or serve. He demands all of me because i am all His. through the grace of Jesus, God takes my formerly selfish & panicked life and gives an abundantly free one. [john 10:10] 

one of my favourite hymns, come thou fount, there is a lyric that reads: let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee. my wandering [moving aimlessly about] heart. prone to wander, Lord, i feel it, prone to leave the God i love.

this week was silly. finding motivation was difficult [honestly, a rare occurrence for me,] days felt long, my energy levels were at an all-time low, i was sick of the rain, sick of being alone at home [but too tired for people at the same time; introvert curse] — simply put: i was not myself. i hate that feeling. sometimes the late winter brings little “funks” my way. i am not a moody person but being human, when these moods do come, i have the tendency to indulge. want some helpful hints for making sure an “off day” stays an “off day” and if you’re lucky, turns into an “off week?” sure, glad you asked!!

1) absolutely, by all means, don’t work out — you know it’ll only make you feel better when you get home from the gym. how awful! 2) if you’re in the habit of snacking a little too much, keep going. why stop now? 3) constantly think about how frustrating it is not feeling like yourself. 4) definitely text a friend about ALL OF IT. be sure to include lots of words like “blah” and “unmotivated” and complain about the gross weather.

those are the worst ideas of LIFE. 

no sooner had i pressed “send” on my miserable text and put my phone down… boom! conviction. oh no. hold UP, jamie delaine. this train stops now. there was a #5 on my handy list of tips: all week, avoid spending any considerable length of time in prayer & leave your Bible unopened until you ‘get around to it’ after work.

ouch.
oh, my wandering heart.
where had my dedicated time in prayer each morning gone?
where had my hunger for the Bible gone?
self-discipline can disappear in one, crazy, week.

i closed my computer, curled up on my bedroom floor and prayed. i repented of my wandering ways & my stubborn emotions. God has created me with a mighty purpose, loves me and knows me better than any human ever will and He is in constant pursuit of my heart. when i don’t feel Him close, it is not because He is far. He is always near — I am the wanderer. when i isolate myself from the One who gives purpose and abundance, it is no surprise when i feel purposeless or lack.

a relationship with Jesus is daily bread. sustaining a healthy, active life full of big dreams [and the energy to achieve!] on one crouton a day is impossible. why expect a minute of prayer at night to produce a different result? He is my daily bread. my breakfast, my snack, my lunch, my snack, my dinner, my dessert. out of my relationship with Jesus flows every single good thing that my heart could ever produce. love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control [galations 5:22-23] – qualities that do not come natural to me.

apart from Him, i can do nothing [john 15:5] & this week, my wandering heart got a reality check. my priorities needed an overhaul. i humbly ran back into the arms of a Saviour who loves unconditionally, personally and abundantly, who forever offers grace, forgiveness, mercy and never condemns my wandering. i’ll leave the jogging for my three mile route, those arms demand an all-out sprint.

i am really into thinking. i spend the majority of what i consider my “downtime” alone. my brain is made to analyze, to put my thoughts into neat little boxes. i take those boxes and i form conclusions by writing journals. being able to recognize my weaknesses through life lessons, make an action plan on how to fix said weaknesses and move on is a rewarding challenge to me. it’s how i grow.

but there can be a problem with all this thinking. it only involves me. that turns dangerous real fast. proverbs 18:1 says: whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire. my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my opinions, my needs, my dreams, my plans. i have been challenged with this question lately: is it possible for my thought life to become one with my prayer life? i would venture to say it is never beneficial for the two to be separate. what thought could i ever need to ponder independent of the word of God and His truth?

in 1 Thessalonians 5 we are instructed to: rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances. big statement. pray without ceasing. here’s the deal, though. i think without ceasing. i have an active brain. what if i began to turn every thought into a prayer? all of a sudden, i would find myself praying without ceasing.

i can think about the brokenness of my heart for months — or i can pray about my hurt and confusion and trust God to make me whole again. i can think about the friend situation that is annoying me — or i can pray about my frustration and allow God to transform my mind to see that friend like God sees them. i can think about how overwhelming work and the daily stresses of life are, or i can pray that God would give supernatural strength, energy and purpose to my day. i can think about the insecurities of my heart or i can pray and invite God to speak peace, love and confidence to those fears.

In Ephesians 3, Paul writes: And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. I am far from understanding God’s love fully — clearly declared an impossible feat –  but I do know a few things. God wants to be a part of my life: my every single thought in every moment of every day. He isn’t afraid of my sin, my shame, my weaknesses, my fears, my worries. He wants to be invited into all of that — because He has the power to forgive my sins, set me free from my shame, make me strong in my weaknesses, bring peace to my fears and give me a future full of Hope.

the most beautiful moments in my prayer life have been in confusing seasons. it’s as if God is saying, see! this! this is what i want. i want to hear from you. open, honest, transparent. depending on the only One who will never fail you, pouring out the heart i loved and created to be in communion with me.

i feel safe in His love.
i am fully known; i am fully loved.
how easily i forget this.