my days and thoughts feel strange sometimes. i wonder if it’s normal. but i am the only one inside my brain and i have only ever had this brain and i will only ever have this brain: so i think i’m out of luck.

i find it strange that i run three miles almost every day, alone, and i really like it. i find it strange that on the days i hate running, i still run & then i love the fact that i ran when i didn’t want to… so i end up liking it all the same. i find it strange that i can’t stand television & i’d rather sit alone in my room with music on. i find it strange that i truly enjoy waking up at six thirty most mornings in order to get a jump-start on my days. i find it strange that i often go out for coffee alone. i find it strange that i never leave my house without making my bed. i find it strange that i only like green tea. nothing else. okay, perhaps the occasional peppermint.

as an introvert, i often feel as if i am in my own little world. i am the only child at home, i am working on a schedule that i set, i am crafting and prioritizing my own to-do list, i am growing my own business. solo. and i feel very strange because of that. sometimes i have a hard time determining what my life should look like [what is normal, what is healthy?] and what i want it to look like. my mother insists i overanalyze. i tell her that statement is unhelpful. mom, you’ve given me another thing to analyze. sometimes i think it would be helpful to have someone who shared my brain. perhaps we could talk about it.

my heart desires plenty more for my ministry & my business. it’s those desires that make me want to be up early, make my bed first thing, spend time with the Lord, get to work, be the best photographer i can be, run my three miles in the afternoon, check the items off the list. one, two, three. i wonder if my “itchy brain” is normal. jamie, chill. take each day as it comes. live life. drop your plans. stop thinking hard, start hardly thinking! you’re young, you’re free! but that’s just it! i am young & free and i can’t sit still. i won’t.

as i was writing, a song from christian city church came to mind. not surprising, seeing as it is called young & free.

The cause of Christ is in our hearts
The road we take a narrow path
We left behind our former ways
And we will not be shaken

We are young and free and we live for one thing
Our lives are for your kingdom it’s all or nothing

We won’t sit back and waste our time
Each step we take we’re rising up
We live to see your kingdom come
And we will not be shaken

every day is precious. i am inspired by young people who are taking the twenty-four hours we are all given each day and leading lives that are making a difference. i can get pumped about life easily [and simultaneously overwhelmed if i'm not careful] but man, tomorrow holds hope. tomorrow holds opportunity: there are people to lead, things to learn for the first time, books to be read, words to be written, the love of Jesus to be shown to a hurting world.

if i chose to, i can create something tomorrow.
and until i do, my brain is going to itch.

i am so excited. excited, excited, excited, excited. yesterday, i announced the launch of my spiffy, brand new website. today, i launch my completely-and-authentically-jamie-delaine blog. i believe in the importance of both a website and a blog. a website is a client’s first impression of me. i want to give them insight into who i am as a person, some of my best work, a few videos of me in action, some basic pricing information and a way to contact me.

my blog, on the other hand, is… quite frankly, for me. yes, i know the importance of blogging in a business: i whole-heartedly swear by it! it creates customer and brand loyalty like none other & i’m so thankful for all the past brides/clients and future brides/clients that love reading my words. but i blog because i love it. i blog my life because i want to share it. i blog about Jesus because i want you to know him. i blog my life because i want to slow down a few minutes each day to remember it all.

i’ve always liked my blog but a few months ago, i found a different vision stirring inside of me. i wanted a blog i loved. i was over the whole “photography blog.” standard, one column blog. big images, drop-down navigation header. don’t get me wrong, there are some beautiful designs out there like that: i was over it. i had a blog that looked like that because everyone had a blog that looked like that. it wasn’t until i found kristy [@wrecklessgirl] that i found the girl that could make my vision come to life.

i didn’t want typical. this blog isn’t about photos. this blog is about me. this blog is about my writing, about my style, about my travels, about jesus, about rainy days, sunshiny days, morning americanos. about my frustrations, my growing up years & this great expanse known as the “twenty-something” years that currently sit in front of me… beckoning me to do something extraordinary with them.

i’m here because i love to write & i finally wanted a blog that gave me an inspiring platform to do so.

ps. i want you as a part of my life. join me.
pps. thanks to my best friend leanne tam for the photos. she’s wonderful.

i’m a good writer. not in an oh-look-at-me-words-come-so-fluidly-and-beautifully way… but rather in a you can’t shut me up way. verbally or in written form. i have kept fairly consistent journals since the first month of grade eight; newly turned thirteen years old. that means i have seven years of journals on my closet shelves. this written collection of my life is one of my most prized posessions. lately, journal entries have become fewer and farther between. my life is different. i don’t find myself with hours upon hours each day of free time–time to journal until my hand cramps. i write maybe once a month? never enough to accurately express my heart.

i’ve remedied that as of late. forget handwriting [although it feels more authentic, more genuine when you read a handwritten entry] i’ve started typing out my writing, printing and them taping entries into my journal. all in the name of remembering these young days of my life. i’d rather type everything going on in my life then handwrite only the parts i have time to reflect on. i am a ridiculously fast typer (over a hundred words per minute–i held the middle school record for years! nerd) and i’m a GOOD writer. these hands don’t stop. this morning, i wrote three thousand words in a word document. three THOUSAND words. summarizing is not my strong suit. it’s a good thing i’m also a fast reader.

i’m fast at everything. that’s my problem. every year, i learn more about myself. some of these discoveries are exciting: certain strengths and gifts God has given to me that i can’t wait to see grow and be used in whatever He wants me to do! some of these discoveries are weaknesses, tendencies i have that make life frustrating and stressful and difficult at times. i don’t enjoy this: this struggle to balance life. i feel like i am balancing a broom in the palm of my hand and trying to run down the street at the same time. [because really, who walks? too slow.] i can balance for a while. things start sliding one way or the other. i balance again. the entire time, my mind is concentrated. keep the broom upright, keep the broom upright, oh it’s slipping, oh it’s slipping! keep my devotional life active, make sure my relationships are growing, exercise my body, lose a few more pounds, make time for myself, help my family around the house, save for the future, build a business i am proud of, give my all to the ministries i’m involved in. i live in this hyped-up state. problem is… although in the “big picture” of things, i don’t enjoy it… i do enjoy it. twisted.

leanne pegged me as classic type-a personality the other day. i knew i was type-a. i knew type-a’s were achievers, always on the go, liked productivity. i had never researched further. this morning, in the midst of my three thousand words of reflection, i did.

the Type A is a normal person operating at his maximum possible speed.
he wants to achieve a big goal but he thinks that time is very limited and this results in the following behaviour:

* Exaggerated Sense of time urgency: thinks that time is running out and since his goals are too big, he always races with time; if you want to lose a type A in few days then waste his time (by making long phone calls or let him wait for something too long)
* Competitiveness: he considers everything to be a challenge.
* Multitasking: can handle more tasks at the same time than a computer can; involved in 5+ unrelated activities while performing well at all.
* The Price for Over Achievement: subject to tremendous amounts of stress. always running, having lots of things to do & racing with time.

•    Obsessed with work, over working
•    Unable to relax, have guilty feeling while doing so
•    Perfectionists
•    Self challenging, very competitive, cannot take defeats well
•    Impatient
•    Have guilt feeling expressing emotions
•    Strongly achievement oriented
•    Have no time for self
•    Time conscious and always in hurry, detest delays
•    Always planning something or the other
•    Over bearing, controlling
•    Calculative, business-like
•    Does not notice and unable to appreciate simple things.
•    Short tempered

hello jamie delaine. scarily accurate. can i make money from being a poster child for type-a? sign me up. i’m your girl. i sound like such a wonderful person after that list. wow. i do not realize i am this way. well, i do. i guess i do not realize that it’s NOT NORMAL to be this way. i live in a hyped-up state. i hate sitting still. i fidget. i love accomplishment. a productive, well-scheduled out day is heaven. [but it's not really heaven; it takes it's toll on my mind and my body and my life and my relationships... but it feels like heaven.] i think i’m addicted to productivity.

all spring and summer long, i am my sportscar: driving on the highway at over a hundred kilometres an hour [faster than that. i speed. of course. i would speed. hate slowness.] and i like that feeling. of moving, of driving, of being in control, of headed towards a specific direction/point/goal. every year, autumn approaches. in autumn, i have to take it down to about eighty kilometres an hour: still clipping along at a fairly high speed. i guess you could say i get off the highway. i’m on a regular road. probably driving too fast for the area… but i have places to be. i’m pretty content in autumn. every now and then my foot hurts from pressing the gas pedal all summer. there are thoughts of i need a break. but more overwhelmingly there are thoughts of, uh oh. i lifted my foot from the pedal a little bit. i’m slowing down. i liked that i accomplished more in july. why am i driving slower? let’s get back on the highway. i force myself to stay on the street; avoiding the highway signs. autumn continues, winter threatens. i am excited! winter! time to drive slower–the roads become icier, snow causes me to park my car for a few weeks and sit. this will be good. the closer winter gets, the more uneasy i become. because i start feeling things like… how nice it will be to sit, how nice it will be to have days without work [by choice--i say no to almost everything in december and january,] how nice it will be to spend hours reading and reflecting and learning about God and praying.

i can’t deny that it scares me though. i usually spin into a why am i feeling all these things, why don’t i want to work right now, why do i feel stressed when i have all the time in the world? i think it’s just that adjustment. that adjustment of a car traveling high above the speedlimit, racing down the highway–to slowing down to a thirty kilometre an hour crawl on a narrow, windy country road. thirty kilometres feels like the slowest pace of LIFE when you’ve been traveling over a hundred. it’s that feeling that i forget every year. the feeling of slow. [i wrote an entry last december similar to this.] so that’s what i’ve been dealing with this week. getting mentally prepared for “slow.” i’ll be alright. it is so so so good for crazy little type-a jamie delaine.

so. there you go. that’s me being transparent.